Postcards from planet hell

Hi All,

so...here we are at the end of the semester and nothing good is happening. my statistics class is driving me crazy!!! I have no chance of passing even if I hand in my homework and study because I need a 75 on the final to pass and that would take a minor miracle. maybe I was just not meant to ever graduate....I don't even know anymore. I did not spend 4 years of my life in college just to be held back by fucking math. ( yes I am using the f word....get over it folks).
In all this chaos, my poor history class has basically been pushed to the background. I HATE SCHOOL right now. stupid fucking math disability....why can't my brain just work like everyone elses for a a change? When I do try to ask questions in class or answer questions, I get laughed at for getting things wrong. I thought bullying ended in grade school but I guess I am wrong.

In other news, I am having trouble figuring out the creature known as the " normal or neurotypical person". It's sad that everyone is too busy and too involved in themselves and their own lives to care about their family members. It is not that hard to pick up the phone or even send a message on Facebook to just keep in touch. life is too short to treat your family members this way. don't miss out on people's lives.....you never know how long they'll be around and when you do think to pick up the phone, it might be too late. Family is everything....I wish my family understood that.

I don't know....maybe I am desperate for any and all connections. I am an only child ( not by choice) and have no other family here besides mom, dad and aunt and her family. I want to have a big loving family where everyone always has time for everyone and where keeping in touch with family is not considered a time-consuming chore but a privalege. If any of my family members are reading this ( which I sincerely doubt), I'd like to say this to them: I really miss you guys and for those who I don't know well and you know who you are, I'd like to get to know you better. just because we are busy and live far apart is no exuse for not keeping in touch or making time for one another. It should not take a wedding or god-forbid a funeral, for everyone to see each other. let's make time for one another. heard of a family reunion....I think it would be a great thing for us. Life is short and family is everything.
as W.H Auden and Morrie mentioned in Tuesdays with morrie.. " love each other or perish" .

and that's the view from here.

Finally an Update

Here we are: the night before Passover. Passover is not one of my favorite Jewish holidays but I grin and bear it just as I do most things in life. On Tuesday, I get to go to my aunt's house for the Passover sedar. Her sedars are fun but not in the traditional sense of the word. Last years sedar featured my aunt getting up in the middle of the sedar and complaining that the Haggadah that was being used was not religous enough. what ensued was a very funny arguement that even she was laughing at in the end. Hopefully this year's sedar will have its funny moments too.
On the friendship front things are stormy bettween me and M. I wish she could understand that I do want to be her friend but it hurts my feelings when she does not make any effort to hang out with me. I know that we live far apart but when someone is your true friend you make the effort to be there for them. I just got out of a five year relationship and I really needed a friend on the day of the break-up but she was not there for me. I really needed a friend then. M if you are reading this: I want to be your friend. just please show me that you want to be my friend as well. Show me, don't tell me.
A and I hung at at the Meriden mall last Friday with J. A is a great friend and it's thanks to her that I might come back to the Wed night group. She is always there with a smile and she always knows how to buy the best things for the least money. I want to come back to the Wallingford group since D probably thinks that I don't care for it anymore. I really care about the wallingford group and I'll come back there at some point soon.

On the work front, yours truly got to be a historical interperter ( that's fancy speak for Tour guide) at the Noah Webster house this past Saturday. It was so much fun even though I had four groups in a row and no break and I had trouble on the loom. I love being a tour guide and especially working with kids.

just a little while ago, I was sitting around looking up places in Brighton beach and thinking about my cousins J, C, F and T who live there. I really want to go and visit them but J and everyone else are always busy. however, J said her schedule would lighten in May so I might make it down then. It's funny how the first sign that I am missing New York and my cousins is the fact that I am looking at pictures of stores that I dislike going into. The M and I international is one of those places. It is not a bad store, but you don't want to be caught there in rush hour unless you want to be screamed at in Russian just because some lady with a cart load of enough food to feed an army thinks that you are in her space or you took her turn. J lives near it and she says she never goes to shop there unless she really needs to. Good for you J!

in other news, I got tickets for my fifth Idina concert which is going to be in Lenox Mass in July. J and I are going and it should be a great night. I hope Idina does meet and greets this time around. I've already met her but that was almost (gasp! ) 2 years ago. I would love to see Kristin Chenoweth on Broadway in Promises Promises but I don't have the money and I highly doubt that a show with Cheno would have student tickets or have tickets being sold at TCKTs.

so thats the view from here.

Song of the Day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXNWbWqt3AE

Reflections on a year gone by

well here we are....

another year gone by, memories created and events happy and sad.

whenever a year ends, we must step back and remember all of these things and what we learned from them. Even the most negative events offer lessons to be learned.

such as......relationships that were once great getting torn apart by time and by growing apart. it is no one persons fault that this happens but we learn from it no matter how much it hurts us.

and speaking of relationships and of family, I have had new developments in that area as well.

such as this weekend when I traveled to New York to meet cousins from my mom's side of the family that I have not seen since I was a baby.

what do you say to someone who you have heard about all your life and who you know only from the pictures that you see and stories? I was faced with this issue but I seem to have handled it well and I think that they liked me. I hope that they don't become strangers again and fade back into the fabric of life and of family history. I wish I was closer to the family members that I have known since forever. somehow whenever I visit my New York cousins I never feel like I truly belong amongst them. I wish this was not the case and that they treated me like an equal and not like that immature person who comes to visit once every three months and who they are always glad to see leave. That is one thing I want to work on next year. showing these people that I am not that immature girl anymore and that they can trust me and treat me like an equal. I strengthened a lot of friendships this year such as my friendships with A and M and with the guys from the Wallingford group. even though I can't make it down there for as many dvd nights and meetings as I would like, I am really grateful to these guys for providing me with friendship and accepting me when no one else would.

so here's to a great New Year filled with adventures and new lessons to be learned.

Cheers!

NYC Baby!!!

so....here I am in New York New York, the capital of the world. I feel like everyone else must be out and about enjoying the city after dark. Basking in the bright glow of the Times Square lights, going out to see shows that they can't really afford to see but not really caring.

On the subject of shows, I tried to buy tickets for Next To Normal ( which according to most of the girls on the Idina message boards is a great show). I went to buy them at the TKTS kiosk on broadway. I was offered a pair of tickets costing 75 bucks each. and get this.....for an obstructed view!! the guy said we were only going to miss three short parts but I don't get to see shows like this often and I don't have money to see it again so I did not want to miss any part if the show.

Long story short, we went to the Met instead to see the Vermeer exhibit. I was mad and jealus of course at the begnning. Mad because I was not going to be able to see the show that I had heard so much about, and jealus because some other girl was there seeing it. But I had a great time at the museum nonetheless.

After our adventure in the city, which included some mishaps on the subway, we made it to our cousin's house. and that is where I am now.

I wish I was brave enough to hop on that subway and go out and see the glitter of Times Square and at least see the crowds of excited theatregoers at stage-doors.

that is the view from here tonight.

Life Stinks and then you wake up

so here I am....2:53 on a Wednesday afternoon, hanging out at the library killing time before attending another Intermediate Algebra class. We have a test today ( unless our professor changes it). I think I am ready but I am still nervous. will those dreaded word problems be on there? will I have to solve systems by graphing? one doesn't know.
on the topic of things one does not know.....what is up with generic medications?
I tried the generic verison of the ADHD drug that I am on and disaster resulted. Apparently, something there is different which is causing me to act all screwy and depressed. hating it but I go to the doctor next week.

Social Skills tonight with M, A, and company. will bitch about my messed up emotions there.
Glee later tonight....amazing how TV can turn around one's mood, especially a TV show with music on it.

so off I go.....back into the crazy, mixed up world that I call home.

till tomorrow,
this is the view from here